Its weird, really. Really weird. I feel the pain of being alone, I feel the pain of not having a support system or nobody to pick up the phone and talk to when things go bad. I made it to year 31. Year 31. Yay me. I keep struggling. I keep fighting for my existence. I will dream of love and kisses and cuddles and affection and happiness because I am a child of God as much as all other children of God. I am a very damaged messed up person, psychologically mentally damaged. I have never formed a bond or a connection with anyone and probably never will. I dont enjoy socializing one bit. I dont enjoy being around people one bit. Being an academic suits me, its something that I enjoy and it allows me to sit behind my computer screen and read and type away in order to give myself the outlet that I need. I do not belong in this world, I do not know the rules of the game, how to play the game, the objectives of the game or the strategies of the game. And my opponents are fully knowledge and fully versed. I am mentally shattered. My work and writing out here are my only distractions and my only outlets. I am a girl full of emotions, too many emotions for my own good, on top of which I have a big heart which is a bit too big and a bit too generous. But I really do want to be left alone. I do everything on my own. While I may imagine or daydream of having someone with me, fact of the matter is, I do not expect it to happen. I cant make it happen when I have to deal with her. I really cannot. Having a support system is what I really would like, but it wont happen. My friendships are temporary and transient, and tend to fizzle out when I bring up my stuff. Nobody has the time or energy to handle the abused talk about the abuser. Nobody does. In the so-called friendship that I am in too, I am a third wheeler. I will never be a fully fledged member.

Godzilla is Fat

So in Japan this new thing is going on where they are now calling Godzilla as fat. So anyways, I saw something on 9gag the other day which really shows how calling anyone fat shakes their core. Couldn't have been more accurate.

Acceptance and Rejection

Why does acceptance come with so much difficulty and hardship and rejection come so easily? This is one question that has been bothering me since yesterday.

Call me stupid or too sensitive, but this has been my own observation. If someone changes their attitude towards you, or if someone suddenly starts avoiding you or looking at you differently, you can easily tell. The feeling of rejection can come just so easily. At least for me it can come very easily, but maybe that is because I know it is a matter of time before rejection occurs. Because no matter what people say or do, or reassure you that they are with you for the long haul, everyone leaves eventually. Some people may leave after one day, some people may leave after ten years, but all leave at some point. And a person does not even have to leave to reject you, they can just stay around in your live forever and ever and keep on rejecting you at the very exact same time. Rejection is never easy to handle. But it happens all the time. You can just sit in the corner minding your own beeswax and get rejected.

Acceptance, on the other hand, is very difficult to come by. To be accepted you have to fit a mold. Do so much hard work. Behave in a certain way. You are expected to make so many changes in yourself, changes that are not even humanly possible, and even if they are, you should not do them. Still, there is no guarantee of acceptance.

The best way to deal with all of this is to simply not deal with people. If you don't deal with people, you at least never put yourself up for rejection. Being on your own with no friends is never easy, but at least it helps you avoid rejection because even the person you consider a best friend, will reject you one day. Its best to remain alone than to put yourself up for rejection.

Born to Stand Out, Eh? Or To Fit In?

Haven't we all heard this dialogue, "Why try to fit in when you are born to stand out". My Facebook wall seems to be plastered with that. That dialogue is like everywhere.

Hate it, can't stand it, think its a load of crap.

It is very easy to say to a person, "It doesn't matter if you don't fit in at all" or ""Its okay to be different" or a bunch of other stuff like that

However, people who speak like this have never had issues fitting it at all. When you are different from everyone else and feel rejected by the world, you are not going to be like, "Hey, at least I am standing out over here". Nope, no chance in hell. Instead you will be thinking, "I just want to fit in, I just want to be like everyone else and be a part of everyone else"

I have never fit in. I have always been the reject. The person rejected from society for being too different. I had my own personality. I had my own interests. I had my own hobbies. I had my own past times. I had my own ideas. I was fighting my own unique battles which I am pretty sure none of my classmates were. It was tough to be different. I could've given just anything in order to be like everyone else. I would still think the same. I still feel rejected by the world. Well in return, I rejected the world, so I guess both me and the world are even, LOL. While my classmates and all just would hang out and have fun, I'd be sitting in front of my computer reading articles and so badly wanting to discuss what I've read with someone. Not that I had anyone to hang out with and have fun with, but still. This is just an example.

Not fitting in is very difficult. Its tough. It takes its toll on a person. You can't say you are born to stand out. Because being different can be a curse. A death sentence.

10 Things That I am Grateful For

Don’t get taken away by the title thinking I am some spoilt brat who is telling people to just shut up and be grateful for what you have and quit whining about your problems. I know whining is not the best choice of word here, but as it is letting me get my point across, I will let it be.

This is one blog entry that I am mainly posting for myself, rather than my readers. Sorry readers, next post will be for you guys. Life is very difficult and I may be only 24 years old, yet I have seen quite a bit of stuff first hand. And I know that no matter how much we want to say those clichéd overused dialogues like, “Always look at the glass half full” or “Always look at the bright side” or “Every single cloud has a silver lining and a person should look for that”, it is not always possible. It is good in theory and always worth a try, unfortunately it is not always possible, even for the world’s most optimistic and bravest person.

Yet I thought to myself that I should compile a list of the ten things that I am grateful to have, because sometimes it is the little things in life that count and it is in the smallest things where happiness can be found. To quote Harry Potter character Albus Dumbledore, “Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, only if one remembers to turn on the light”.

And on top of this, there will always be nay sayers, namely, society. Society and the world will always tell you how nothing you ever have or do is ever good enough. A person with a bicycle is told to get a motorcycle, a person with a basic car is told to get a luxury car. Similarly, the darker toned person is told to get treatments to make themselves fair, the person with curly hair is told to “manage it” (make it straight). Society’s unwritten job is to make us feel bad about what we don’t have, instead of letting us sit back and enjoy and appreciate what we do have. We need to learn to appreciate what we have, essential for our own mental state and mental well being.

So here begins my list:

1. I am grateful to have a roof over my head. Right next to my house there is an empty plot where the owners have given to some family to temporarily live in. Those people live partially in a tent because the building they are given is not big enough to house everyone, they are apparently a large family in total because a lot of extended relatives are living together. Seeing them gave me the appreciation of having a roof.

2. Having an international set of friends. God has blessed me with an international set of friends, thanks to the internet. People say that you need offline friends, but I say why harp over what I don’t have. I sit back and enjoy my online friends and appreciate the diversity that I have been lucky enough to enjoy thanks to my international friends list.

3. Being pain free. I spent a long time struggling with back pain which was the result of a combination of a sprain and an old injury causing problems. Finally, now, I am getting it treated and as the treatment is towards the end now, I am almost pain free. Seeing how pain had affected many aspects of my life for a long time, I am grateful to be out of pain now and do basic activities which pain was preventing me from doing.

4. Freedom. There are many people who are in captivity. People locked up behind bars and other forms of captivity exist that hinder freedom in the sense I am talking about.

5. Being able to read and write. There are many who are denied the right to education for various reasons, may it be finances, or societal attitude or simple non-availability of a school. Even I had to struggle for my education due to simple lack of opportunity. Being able to read and write is something we take for granted, when it is actually a big gift and blessing.

6. Faith. When it comes to religion and faith, I will say that I consider myself to belong to a particular religious denomination and I strongly believe it. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I do not know, however, I do not have blind faith in that particular religion because there are certain aspects of it that I do question. Yet, religion and faith has been a big pillar of support for me during my most difficult times, hence I remain grateful to have it.

7. The ability to get out of bed in the morning. Whenever the morning sun hits our eyes and the alarm clock rings, we get irritated like anything wishing we never had to leave the bed. This, at least, used to be my attitude, until I got sick once. And due to that illness, I had no energy or strength to get out of bed. No matter how much I struggled, there was no strength to get up. This taught me a good lesson in appreciating basic mobility.

8. Life. To be alive. This may appear like a no brainer, but to me it is not. I once got sick and almost died of the illness. I must’ve been, I guess, around 16 years old at the time. Being so close to death is not a pleasant place to be at all and it taught me to appreciate being alive.

9. Internet. When something happens to my internet connection or I lose internet access for a bit, I fear I am going to lose my sanity, for real. So thank you for my internet connection. I may curse you when you go in a bad mood, but I am really grateful to have you.

10. Books. Books are my lifeblood, my lifeline, my obsession, my everything. I am like so obsessed with the written word to the extent that I simply cannot imagine my life without my books. Books have played a very essential and important role in my life. It is because I read, that I never felt alone. Nothing can beat the feeling of holding a book in the hand and just reading the book away. Books are epic, hands down.

And here I conclude my list. My apologies if this post made my sound like a self centered brat or a show off or a self obsessed person as everything I wrote kind of does revolve around myself. But again, just like I wrote in the beginning, this post was mainly meant for me, not my readers. Sorry for that, Dear Reader.

Fishing for Stars by Bryce Courtenay

The latest book that I read is Fishing for Stars by Bryce Courtenay. Goodreads link is located here: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/8389940-fishing-for-stars I am no longer going to put spoiler alerts in the title of my entries on books, from now on, if you want to read a book review by me, you are reading at your own risk. You have been warned.

When I took this book out of my cupboard (I had bought it last year and it had been lying in my cupboard collecting dust since then) and read the description, I was a bit hesitant to read the book thinking it would be really boring as the description sounded so boring. But then I thought to myself that I must’ve seen something in it if I bought it (I am very picky in choosing books) so I must give it a try with an open mind. It is a decision that I do not regret because this turned out to be an excellent book.

Unfortunately I had the exact same luck with this  book that I had with the previous two books that I read. This book is a freakin sequel!!!  It has a prequel and this book is its sequel. Its like sequels are coming after me or something, LOL. However, thankfully I did not experience the usual problem that one experiences with sequels. I did not feel as if this book has a prequel nor at any point did I experience the need to want to read the prequel. All the characters were so well introduced and well formed that you felt like you actually know these people, as if they are your friends or your relatives or your neighbours or somebody to you.

Bryce Courtenay is a South African author who has lived most of his life in Australia. I was reading his mini-biography on Goodreads and turns out that he has lived a very eventful and colourful life with quite unusual and unique experiences. I believe this is something that reflects in his work as even in this book the characters have lived colourful lives with unusual and unique experiences.

This happens to be one of those books that a person really learns from. Even though the book itself may be a work of fiction, it consists of many factual items in it. Reading this book taught a lot about the Yakuza, which is the Japanese mafia and how they operate. You get to learn about their hierarchy, their focus on extreme discipline and obedience, how extreme punishments are carried out for the most minor of mistakes and the decision making process. Japanese culture is really explored in detail, especially how complicated gender roles are in Japanese society and the complex rules and regulations surrounding honour.

We even learn about environmental efforts in Tasmania and how the war in East Timor really impacted the environment there due to underhand government dealings and what efforts were undertaken in order to preserve the environment and protect the natural habitat of varies species that live in the region.  

This book revolves around a guy, Nicolas Duncan who is an old guy and a former soldier who served during the Second World War who has made a lot of money in the shipping business and living a quiet and assuming life on a small island in Australia. This book is written in an autobiographical style as we are reading the memoirs that Nicolas Duncan has written about his life after the Second World War and the two ladies in his life and how they both, at the end had made an agreement with each other to share him yet the two ladies have their rivalries calling each other Princess Plunder and Green Bitch behind each other’s backs.

One of those ladies is Anna, whom Duncan met when she and her father were escaping the Japanese invasion illegally on a boat. The boat had shipwrecked with Anna being the sole survivor. Many years pass in between after which Anna and Duncan reunite where we learn that Anna is a heroin addict and a shrewd businesswoman with a very keen eye for business and an obsession for money, making her a multi billionaire many times over. And it is through Anna that we learn about Japan as Anna had lived part of her life in Japan plus she and Duncan went on a long trip to Japan where it turns out that Duncan’s friend since the past 25 years is actually the head of the Japanese Yakuza.

The second lady is Marg. Marg is a navy admiral’s widow with two children. Marg and Duncan first met when Duncan was in the armed forces and then separated when Marg got married. We learn about the Tasmanian environmental struggles through Marg as Marg is very passionate about the environment. She is a member of the Tasmanian Green Party and a member of parliament and a vocal advocate for protecting the natural habitats of frogs and orangutans.

In conclusion, it is a very interesting book. Written in memoir style, it follows the diverse and unique lives of three very interesting, diverse and unique individuals.

The Paris Vendetta by Steve Berry (Spoiler Alert)

My latest read is called “The Paris Vendetta” by Steve Berry.  Goodreads link is here: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7964393-the-paris-vendetta

 Now with this book I ended up having the same bad luck that I had with the book that I read before this one, it happened to be part of a series of books, the book I picked up being part a sequel. The only difference is that the previous book I read happened to be Book 2 while this one happened to be Book 5. I will make the exact same rant that I made in my previous book review, will it kill the publisher to simply write on the cover that the book is part of a sequel or a series. I hate picking up books that are in the centre of the series. Again, I cannot say how accurate my review is going to be as when you unfortunately pick up a book which happens to be in the middle of the sequel you do not get any background information or introduction of any sort regarding the characters so it is only when you are half way through are you actually in a position to pinpoint who is who and recognize the relationships each character holds with the other characters involved.

Anyways, to the book. Steve Berry is a well known best selling number one author, international and New York Times, who writes thriller books. Even though he has a few stand alone books most of his books belong to the Cotton Malone series, a series out of which the book being discussed today happens to be the fifth installment.

Not only was this book a thriller, it was also historical fiction. Historical fiction is a genre that I really like and in the case of this book, the historical fiction of this book especially fascinated me as it revolved around Napoleon and I personally have been very fascinated by European history, having studied it in my O Levels. In the book I got to learn about Napoleon’s coding system of sending messages to people based on texts, his stance on war and debt, how he ended up selling Louisiana to the Americans and about his time in exile and possible causes of death. Unfortunately, as it happens to be the case with all books of historical fiction, the authenticity and the accuracy of the information given is unknown. It is very likely that everything I read on Napoleon just happened to be products of the author’s imagination, who knows.

Cotton Malone, an agent with the US State Department, is on assignment in Copenhagen, Denmark along with a special agent, Sam Collins. They are on the case of a mysterious organization called the Paris Club. It is like one of those Illuminati type organizations, having the top world financial “big guns” amongst their group of members. The belief of the Paris Club is that whenever a society is facing unrest in terms of a war or the threat of terrorism, financial transactions shall be carried out in such a way that if you have the knowhow, you easily end up in millions, if not billions. The leader of the Paris Club even tried to carry out a few 9/11 style attacks on some historical Parisian monuments in order to achieve this aim but the French air force managed to prevent that from happening, they acted at the right time.

A individual in the centre of this whole conspiracy is Lord Ashby. Everyone wants him, in the sense that everyone is like after this guy. Cotton Malone wants him because the American government thinks that he can lead them to a wanted terrorist. Cotton Malone’s friend Henrik wants him as Henrik thinks Lord Ashby hired the person who killed his son. Eliza, founder of the Paris club, thinks Lord Ashby is a trusted member but actually he was a traitor following his own agenda.

In conclusion, the only drawback that I found about this book is that it happens to be part five of a series of books. Other than that, it is excellent. Backstories to the characters are given about the characters in such a way that you can tell that this is why this person is like this today. And the book is loaded with so much conspiracy that is like one conspiracy appears to be coming to a close, three more appear. When I was done reading the book, I actually took time to think about all the conspiracy. This book really makes you think. And it is very well written. And if European history and/or Napoleon are areas of interest for you, then that is an added bonus.