Friday, May 23, 2014
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
This has become one of my most favourite quotes ever. And this is a blog post that has been lurking in my brain since a very long time. Because in the world of today, we have dunned down everyone to their body types. If you are thin, slim-trim, then you are pretty, intelligent, and all good qualities. If you are fat, you are stupid, ugly, waste of space, no intelligence. What gets me the most is how body type is equated with intelligence. Intelligent people know how to eat less and keep their weight in check and stupid people eat more than they need and get fat. Really sad, in my opinion.
Weight has always been a struggle for me. I have been every size. Literally. I think I must be at my heaviest right now. I know it is entirely my fault and I am not going to that "fat is beautiful" and "real people are fat" thing that the internet is clogged up with these days.
What my point is, whether a person is fat or thin, is their body type really that important important? To the extent that being fat is the worst thing that a person can be?
If I were to explain my struggles with weight, my life has been stressful. And it is true, food does temporarily remove the stress and sadness, at least temporarily. Food is not going to judge you or tell you anything you did wrong. It is just going to silently listen to you. And make you feel better. This was combined with having a mom who wanted me to have the body of some famous super model (She has her reasons for this, which I am not going to disclose in this forum). Not a good combination! So what happened? My food intake became heavily controlled by someone. I guess it is obvious who it is. It is annoying when it is done in public or in front of people. "You are not careful yourself and you can't tell that if you have already eaten or not, so I have to do it for you". If I would go to the kitchen to grab a glass of water, and I ended up spending a bit of time in the kitchen when doing so, I would be asked "What have you just eaten?" So it ended up as food being the ultimate rebellion. And me being me, with my rebellious streak, would sometimes sneak into the kitchen at midnight to get a bite of cake, if there is cake in the fridge. Stuff like that. I have even had cups of tea and coffee picked up from in front of me. Funny thing, once my dad's cup of tea was picked up on the assumption that I was drinking it, despite his constant insisting that he was the one drinking it, not me.
I still was not thin or anything. I was still fat. I was always told stuff like "people who want to lose weight do this" and "people who want to lose weight do that". And I would be like, "I don't want to lose weight" because not going on a diet was the ultimate rebellion. I have been told to go on starvation diets, yet every time I'd offer to start starving myself, I'd be told, "you'll never do it". I have been clearly told "stop eating" and "starve yourself" and "keep your mouth shut". And given examples of super thin people who were able to maintain their figures though strict dieting and lots of exercise. Hell, there was a time when I was forbidden (for lack of a better word I am saying forbidden even though I don't think it is the correct word to depict the situation accurately) from stepping foot out of the house, going to a gym was allowed and I was told many times to go to a gym. I refused.
Weird thing, my mom claims she took me to a gym near our place and gave me a tour of the place also and showed me around the facilities and told that I can come here as much as I want for as long as I want. I have absolutely no recollection of this ever happening. As far as my memory serves me, I have never stepped foot inside that gym. One of us is clearly having a mega memory relapse here. But point remains, during the "forbidden" time, the gym was the only place that I had permission to go to.
To add to everything, I never received a good draw from the genetic lottery when it came to weight issues. In fact, I received a terrible draw when it came to weight issues. Everyone on my dad's side of the family has super slow metabolism issues to the extent that too much water can increase weight. Unbelievable, but true. And to add even further to the misery, I have issues in my neck bone and spine due to which my body can't handle exercise.
I am now studying at a university, living my own. Actually with a roommate, to be accurate. Gained weight. Because i didn't have someone watching my food intake like a hawk. I was told to return from university slim-trim. Instead I returned as a fat person. Fatter person, to be accurate. The fat comments started. Telling a fat person they are fat doesn't solve anything. I know I am fat, I see my fat disgusting body every morning when I look in the mirror and it especially stings me when I change my clothes. Fat comments are really hurtful. Not only am I being told that I am fat, but other people were being warned in advance of my fats. "She has arrived fat" is what was being told to people over the phone. To warn them in advance. So that they don't scream in shock when they see me and that they are mentally prepared, I was told. As if I became 400 pounds more than my original size. It hurt every single time. Stung like anything. And invited the fat comments. My favourite, "what have you been eating without your mother that you gained so much weight".
Anyways, arrived back at university. Still the same size. Didn't loose the weight. I was told to starve myself. And not only reach my original size, but the size before that. Or else no more studies. Because studies are not worth ruining your body behind it (I know the grammar is a mess in this sentence). I tried. Believe me I tried. But unless you are actually anorexic (which is a mental disorder) you can't starve yourself. Either hunger will get the better of you, or because you have been without food for so long, once you eat something, thinking you will eat only a little bit, you will gulp down a lot. Being a student doing a very intensive and hectic degree and trying to starve yourself is a bad combination. Because the brain refuses to cooperate until the body receives its fuel.
I was told to buy a weighing scale and to keep looking at the numbers on it also. But I refused. Because I didn't want to be a number on weighing scale. I am a freaking human being, not some fucking number on a machine that will spit out a number on the basis of how much pressure the springs receive.
I am too scared about what will happen, come June 10, because I am still not "slim trim". I am still the same mountain of lard that I always was. Believe me, I tried hard to diet and all. But I failed. Yes, its my fault. Yes, I have no self control. Yes, I have nobody else to blame but my stupid self. But that doesn't make it any easier. It in fact makes it worse. Much much worse. I guess I should not expect to continue my education any further because I failed to reduce my size. But that's fine. It will be super hard for me to accept, but I will accept it. Eventually. Because I will know in my mind that I tried. And the important thing in life is that you tried your best, right?