Saturday, May 24, 2014

Online versus Offline World

This sums up why I stick to the online world and refuse to have offline friends in any capacity

Friday, May 23, 2014

Godzilla is Fat

So in Japan this new thing is going on where they are now calling Godzilla as fat. So anyways, I saw something on 9gag the other day which really shows how calling anyone fat shakes their core. Couldn't have been more accurate.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Is Fat Really the Worst Thing That a Person Can Be?

(In case anyone is not familiar with J. K. Rowling, she is the author of the Harry Potter book series.)

This has become one of my most favourite quotes ever. And this is a blog post that has been lurking in my brain since a very long time. Because in the world of today, we have dunned down everyone to their body types. If you are thin, slim-trim, then you are pretty, intelligent, and all good qualities. If you are fat, you are stupid, ugly, waste of space, no intelligence. What gets me the most is how body type is equated with intelligence. Intelligent people know how to eat less and keep their weight in check and stupid people eat more than they need and get fat. Really sad, in my opinion.

Weight has always been a struggle for me. I have been every size. Literally. I think I must be at my heaviest right now. I know it is entirely my fault and I am not going to that "fat is beautiful" and "real people are fat" thing that the internet is clogged up with these days.

What my point is, whether a person is fat or thin, is their body type really that important important? To the extent that being fat is the worst thing that a person can be?

If I were to explain my struggles with weight, my life has been stressful. And it is true, food does temporarily remove the stress and sadness, at least temporarily. Food is not going to judge you or tell you anything you did wrong. It is just going to silently listen to you. And make you feel better. This was combined with having a mom who wanted me to have the body of some famous super model (She has her reasons for this, which I am not going to disclose in this forum). Not a good combination! So what happened? My food intake became heavily controlled by someone. I guess it is obvious who it is. It is annoying when it is done in public or in front of people. "You are not careful yourself and you can't tell that if you have already eaten or not, so I have to do it for you". If I would go to the kitchen to grab a glass of water, and I ended up spending a bit of time in the kitchen when doing so, I would be asked "What have you just eaten?" So it ended up as food being the ultimate rebellion. And me being me, with my rebellious streak, would sometimes sneak into the kitchen at midnight to get a bite of cake, if there is cake in the fridge. Stuff like that. I have even had cups of tea and coffee picked up from in front of me. Funny thing, once my dad's cup of tea was picked up on the assumption that I was drinking it, despite his constant insisting that he was the one drinking it, not me.

I still was not thin or anything. I was still fat. I was always told stuff like "people who want to lose weight do this" and "people who want to lose weight do that". And I would be like, "I don't want to lose weight" because not going on a diet was the ultimate rebellion. I have been told to go on starvation diets, yet every time I'd offer to start starving myself, I'd be told, "you'll never do it". I have been clearly told "stop eating" and "starve yourself" and "keep your mouth shut". And given examples of super thin people who were able to maintain their figures though strict dieting and lots of exercise. Hell, there was a time when I was forbidden (for lack of a better word I am saying forbidden even though I don't think it is the correct word to depict the situation accurately) from stepping foot out of the house, going to a gym was allowed and I was told many times to go to a gym. I refused.

Weird thing, my mom claims she took me to a gym near our place and gave me a tour of the place also and showed me around the facilities and told that I can come here as much as I want for as long as I want. I have absolutely no recollection of this ever happening. As far as my memory serves me, I have never stepped foot inside that gym. One of us is clearly having a mega memory relapse here. But point remains, during the "forbidden" time, the gym was the only place that I had permission to go to.

To add to everything, I never received a good draw from the genetic lottery when it came to weight issues. In fact, I received a terrible draw when it came to weight issues. Everyone on my dad's side of the family has super slow metabolism issues to the extent that too much water can increase weight. Unbelievable, but true. And to add even further to the misery, I have issues in my neck bone and spine due to which my body can't handle exercise.

I am now studying at a university, living my own. Actually with a roommate, to be accurate. Gained weight. Because i didn't have someone watching my food intake like a hawk. I was told to return from university slim-trim. Instead I returned as a fat person. Fatter person, to be accurate. The fat comments started. Telling a fat person they are fat doesn't solve anything. I know I am fat, I see my fat disgusting body every morning when I look in the mirror and it especially stings me when I change my clothes. Fat comments are really hurtful. Not only am I being told that I am fat, but other people were being warned in advance of my fats. "She has arrived fat" is what was being told to people over the phone. To warn them in advance. So that they don't scream in shock when they see me and that they are mentally prepared, I was told. As if I became 400 pounds more than my original size. It hurt every single time. Stung like anything. And invited the fat comments. My favourite, "what have you been eating without your mother that you gained so much weight".

Anyways, arrived back at university. Still the same size. Didn't loose the weight. I was told to starve myself. And not only reach my original size, but the size before that. Or else no more studies. Because studies are not worth ruining your body behind it (I know the grammar is a mess in this sentence). I tried. Believe me I tried. But unless you are actually anorexic (which is a mental disorder) you can't starve yourself. Either hunger will get the better of you, or because you have been without food for so long, once you eat something, thinking you will eat only a little bit, you will gulp down a lot. Being a student doing a very intensive and hectic degree and trying to starve yourself is a bad combination. Because the brain refuses to cooperate until the body receives its fuel.

I was told to buy a weighing scale and to keep looking at the numbers on it also. But I refused. Because I didn't want to be a number on weighing scale. I am a freaking human being, not some fucking number on a machine that will spit out a number on the basis of how much pressure the springs receive.

I am too scared about what will happen, come June 10, because I am still not "slim trim". I am still the same mountain of lard that I always was. Believe me, I tried hard to diet and all. But I failed. Yes, its my fault. Yes, I have no self control. Yes, I have nobody else to blame but my stupid self. But that doesn't make it any easier. It in fact makes it worse. Much much worse. I guess I should not expect to continue my education any further because I failed to reduce my size. But that's fine. It will be super hard for me to accept, but I will accept it. Eventually. Because I will know in my mind that I tried. And the important thing in life is that you tried your best, right?

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Hey guys :D

I am still alive, everyone. Just really busy and suffering from semester burn out right now. Just wanted to share a link with everyone:

Its awesome :D

Tell me what you'll think of it.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Acceptance and Rejection

Why does acceptance come with so much difficulty and hardship and rejection come so easily? This is one question that has been bothering me since yesterday.

Call me stupid or too sensitive, but this has been my own observation. If someone changes their attitude towards you, or if someone suddenly starts avoiding you or looking at you differently, you can easily tell. The feeling of rejection can come just so easily. At least for me it can come very easily, but maybe that is because I know it is a matter of time before rejection occurs. Because no matter what people say or do, or reassure you that they are with you for the long haul, everyone leaves eventually. Some people may leave after one day, some people may leave after ten years, but all leave at some point. And a person does not even have to leave to reject you, they can just stay around in your live forever and ever and keep on rejecting you at the very exact same time. Rejection is never easy to handle. But it happens all the time. You can just sit in the corner minding your own beeswax and get rejected.

Acceptance, on the other hand, is very difficult to come by. To be accepted you have to fit a mold. Do so much hard work. Behave in a certain way. You are expected to make so many changes in yourself, changes that are not even humanly possible, and even if they are, you should not do them. Still, there is no guarantee of acceptance.

The best way to deal with all of this is to simply not deal with people. If you don't deal with people, you at least never put yourself up for rejection. Being on your own with no friends is never easy, but at least it helps you avoid rejection because even the person you consider a best friend, will reject you one day. Its best to remain alone than to put yourself up for rejection.

Saturday, February 01, 2014

Born to Stand Out, Eh? Or To Fit In?

Haven't we all heard this dialogue, "Why try to fit in when you are born to stand out". My Facebook wall seems to be plastered with that. That dialogue is like everywhere.

Hate it, can't stand it, think its a load of crap.

It is very easy to say to a person, "It doesn't matter if you don't fit in at all" or ""Its okay to be different" or a bunch of other stuff like that

However, people who speak like this have never had issues fitting it at all. When you are different from everyone else and feel rejected by the world, you are not going to be like, "Hey, at least I am standing out over here". Nope, no chance in hell. Instead you will be thinking, "I just want to fit in, I just want to be like everyone else and be a part of everyone else"

I have never fit in. I have always been the reject. The person rejected from society for being too different. I had my own personality. I had my own interests. I had my own hobbies. I had my own past times. I had my own ideas. I was fighting my own unique battles which I am pretty sure none of my classmates were. It was tough to be different. I could've given just anything in order to be like everyone else. I would still think the same. I still feel rejected by the world. Well in return, I rejected the world, so I guess both me and the world are even, LOL. While my classmates and all just would hang out and have fun, I'd be sitting in front of my computer reading articles and so badly wanting to discuss what I've read with someone. Not that I had anyone to hang out with and have fun with, but still. This is just an example.

Not fitting in is very difficult. Its tough. It takes its toll on a person. You can't say you are born to stand out. Because being different can be a curse. A death sentence.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Hello Everyone!

I know I have been away from the blog-o-sphere for some time. Well, my hiatus is over. I wonder if any readers are even left here or not. If you are here, Haiiii!!! * waves enthusiastically like a crazy insane person *

I know I got into blogging for all the wrong reasons. I started this as a mechanism of time pass. I had way too much time on my hands, and I did not know what to do with all that time, and on top of it, I needed to divert my attention and my mind somewhere, hence this blog came into being. And maybe copy-cat reasons came into play also, as many of my online friends had blogs so I kinda wanted one too.

I quit writing after a while because I had thought that writing is a tedious chore and ain't nobody got time for that (clearly I have been spending too much time on 9gag LOL). Or actually, I had not thought that, instead I had convinced myself of that. I thought that because I could never write role playing, or fiction or short story or novel or novellia or fanfic or any of that kind of stuff, even if my life depended on it, I  have no business writing anything at all. I completely ignored the fact that I am the kind of writer that to whom you just have to throw a topic her way, the words will start flowing on the page on their own when she starts writing. That is the case with me. I have now realized that writing is kind of an essential nourishment for my soul.

With the expense of maybe possibly sounding narcissistic, I am now going to outline my plan for this blog. I am hopefully going to spit out one blog post a week. On topics that interest and concern me and will be oriented towards me. Because I am going to turn this into a kind of a diary about me. Because I need it. For reasons I'd rather not disclose.

Adios, ciao, until we meet again!