Monday, September 12, 2016

Mom.. really? A person should learn never giving up on a damn thing from you. You go out of town for a few days to attend a funeral out of all things and what do you do there? The lady you are staying with.. you get her to call me to convince me to move in back with you and that i should drop out and focus on getting married? well, woman, you got a close to 40 year old daughter who is unmarried, first get the shit out of her married, then talk to others that their daughters are not married. your writing her off as  being too old now and not being any pakistanis around in your city when she was younger is no excuse for your behaviour. get that close to 40 year old daughter of yours married first. i am one hundred percent sure you and my mother decided jointly to have you call me and speak mother's dialogues. you used the same dialogues with the same vocabulary.  well woman with close to 40 year old unmarried daughter, you dont know the inside story. you only know my mother's version of events which is rebeliious kid who wont listen to her. you dont know what really is going on. you dont know that living with my mother now has turned into a death sentense. or how my back and neck hurts and i got no hair and my mind is constantly in a state of messed up just dealing with my mother. or how i went to another country to get away from my mother and she decided to follow me here and wont let me breathe in another country too. you dont know that since as long as i can remember, literally, my mother has been threatening to disown me and tell me how she will vanish without a trace and when i came here how she said she will never keep contact with me yet since the day i arrived all that she has done is beg and beg and beg for me to come back and move in back with her. my mother tried false promises, i saw through them, now she is using her usual disown threat. well if you wanted your disown threat to mean something, you should not have used it so liberally since before i was a teenager. my mother says to me "parents can do anything to the child, they can say anything to the child and even hit the child and the child must remain silent no matter what the parents do to them" well i guess you certainly think that, getting me engaged twice without my knowledge. third attempt failed. so two successful attemps and a third failed attempt. and i am supposed to trust you? and excuse me if i am not obsessed with getting married. you call me the size of a room and the size of a house. i cry, you mock me. i said i am stressed, you say i give others stress, i have no stress on my own. you make me feel like the world's biggest monster. you follow me wherever i go. i try to get away from you, you turn up there. now you have gone to the extent of recruitig people i know to convince me to move in back with you. how dare you. like seriously, how dare you!!! your only anger is that "you dont listen to your parents". i am 28 years old, leave me alone now. you have made it clear that life would be so much better for you if i am not in the picture. how things will be better and more peaceful and relaxed and how you can eat whenever, sleep in until whenever, etc etc. yet you want me to move in back with you? i think it is just so that you can marry me and then show off to the world how you tried so hard and finally succeeded at pulling me out of uni, getting me to move in back with you and got married. even when it comes to my marraige, the focus is you. you want some man who will be financially dependant on us so that it can he him/myself/you living together as one big happy family because you think that financial dependance is the only route through which a man will agree to live with not only the wife's family but in the wife's home too. to put it in other terms, it is not just me getting married, it is the two of us and you look at things from where there is space for you in the relationship too. well if i ever go get married it will be a very crowded marraige as it will have three people in it, myself, my husband and you. keep trying, lady, keep keep trying. what you do makes me not want to have anything to do with you. but you dont take no for an answer. you turn up despite my being clear to you that you are not welcome here one bit. and the final part.. everything is a favour. like the other day, "i should not have given you good clothes to wear, good food to eat, put you in a good school if i had known that you were going to do this later on to us" and how you did not have to feed/clothe me. feeding and clothing me is a favour, apparently. its an old habit of yours. labelling everything as a favour. Giving me a ride to school is a favour. Feeding/clothing your kid is a favour. And favours have to be repaid too. How do you repay someone for feeding/clothing/educating/giving you rides? Which, mind you, is your RESPONSIBILITY. You do no damn favour to your kid if you feed them or clothe them or educate them. Plus money is not everything. Yeah you were financially good to me. I dont deny that for a day. But emotionally, you were rotten to me. You emotionally abused me and manipulated me emotionally since day one. Tried to get me married twice without my knowledge. Two attempts went up to engagement, long lasting engagements mind you. First time the engagement failed as he backed out, he was rotten to me anyways, emotionally abusive, fault finding.. my favourite line from him "there is no beauty so what am i supposed to survive on". And the mood swings when he saw anyone good looking freaked me out.. i honestly and seriously thought, what if one day we are married and go to a grocery store and some good looking girl just happens to be in the grocery store minding her own beeswax purchasing groceries for herself, i will get hell for it. And the second one, we learnt that he is marrying someone else and got sent his wedding card. Third attempt didnt even reach the engagement stage so nothing to say here. All three times you thought the men would be willing to move in with us instead of myself moving in with my husband. You can say to forget the past and move on but the past hurts like daggers being twisted in my back every single day. And you know what you said to me a few days ago? "If I stop saying that you cut your face ["cut my face" is terminology to refer to my acne]  and that i will disown you, then will you leave this place?" i am trying my best to keep my silence because i want peace and i dont want to keep arguing and when i talk back i just upset myself even more so to keep my sanity i am trying my best to control my tongue

Friday, August 05, 2016

Still Alive, Still Here, Still Posting

Yes I know I have been MIA (Missing in Action) since like back in November. Yes I know that I had no readers then and I have no readers now either. Yes I know I am only writing for myself. Yet I am taking on the 365 day blogging challenge where we write one post every single day for the next 365 days. Starting it from tomorrow. Hope I stick to it!

Friday, November 13, 2015

My Ideas are My Ideas

My ideas are my ideas. Its a sentence that I have been saying to myself for eons. We can't control how our brains work or how our minds work. We can't choose our thinking process, how we view certain things, what we dream about, what we hope for, any of that stuff. It is just there, it is in our minds. I have always found myself to be full of "wrong ideas". Wrong in the sense that they are not the way i should be thinking or the idea that i should be having.

I always considered myself a dare to dream kind of person. Always. For me, earning my own income has always been an important thing. And having a job has been important for me too. The reason is that I have always believed, and continue to believe till this day, that for a person's mental state, it is important to be able to wake up in the morning, get dressed and then have somewhere to go. And a job can give you that. And you can see people there and have something to do. Active people are always in better health. And you also earn the income and being financially independent is something that has been important to me.  And i thought i could do such. Wrong. People like me don't do jobs, we sit at home and do nothing. Everything that I thought that I could do, from doing a job to getting a doctorate, to driving a car to have my own standing i am being told its wrong.

Today i get examples of people from the news.. about a man who got attacked after dropping off his girfriend at the bus stop and the girl who was raped at a bus stop at broad daylight..

Shit like this happens all around us, and all we can do is protect ourselves the best we can, but we can't lock ourselves indoors because this happens. using this is equivalent to saying that you should stop eating because food has the potential to cause food poisoning and so many people have experienced food poisoning after eating food. i told you, i simply can't cope with your crap (not what i said, but this was the point). And that i am just a girl and i need to remember that i am just a girl and not with the bravery of ten men. And not only am i just a girl i am an unmarried girl so i have a reputation and respect to maintain. Sheesh. What? You want me to somehow "prove" my "purity" to my future husband? Well every single doctor in the whole universe will tell you that it is neither biologically or medically possible to give an answer on that either way. What? People will think i am hanging out with men and sleeping around potentially? I am doing neither but so what if i was? Doesn't make me less "respectful". And lets check out your double standard.. remember the speech you gave me on how it is ok to marry a divorced man.. personally i have no issues with a divorcee.. but i said no divorcee just to contradict you.. and you went on about how it doesn;t matter if someone is divorced as long as there are no kids because kids complicate stuff and people always have affair with one person and marry another so divorcee is the same thing.. you were even considering arranging my marriage with a twice divorcee, like approaching them and see where it goes, your friend's neighbor, both times apparently the girls left him and you went on about so what if he made a mistake in selecting wives... well, lets see the double standard here.. here you remind me that i am an unmarried girl who has to protect m reputation and respect.. aka my "purity" and you want me to marry someone who has obviously "been with" two people minimum as he has been married twice

Look, i just do not agree with any of this thing about unmarried girls. Or that i have to remember that I am still just a girl and not a man and that I consider myself to have the bravery of ten men. How can we generalize bravery to gender? Not all men are brave, just like not all women are timid weak creatures. I am a pretty weak person, yet i put forward a persona of bravery and strength because it is something that you have to do in order to survive. This is another wrong idea of mine, i guess. I suppose another one is that i think that i can manage myself. And another one is that i think some employer somewhere will be willing to hire me. I am just thinking that if everyone else can have a job then i can get one too. 

Everything that is going on has made me physically sick. The stress is just too much. My stomach is pretty bad. I think I have lost weight, I am eating less than i used to but not less enough to cause weight loss. I am getting night mares. I will feel tired and sleepy but sleep just wont come to me. On my period, nothing is there, very little is coming. My neck and back issues are there. Throat hurts but this could just be a consequence of the bad stomach. Knees hurt. Lack of concentration. Basically I have made myself physically sick over everything that is going on.

My ideas will always be my ideas. My thoughts will always be my thoughts. My dreams will always be my dreams. My imagination will always be my imagination. Regardless of whether they are correct or incorrect, they will always be mine. When I am upset or things are going bad, I imagine myself as a princess in my thoughts because it makes me feel happy. If we try to be correct and accurate all the time, even in our thoughts, it is difficult. Long time back, I was having a conversation with someone I used to speak to in the internet, about a totally unrelated thing, and he said, "It is one of the few things that we can enjoy without going against the world". That line has always stuck with me even though I have no clue if that person is even still alive now. That is how I view my incorrect ideas, my stupid impractical dreams, my crazy wild imagination and my thoughts that I must not have. Stuff for me to enjoy. Stuff to be my painkiller. Stuff to make everything okay. And my blog has turned into a safe place in this context too. I have no readers for this damn blog because I never marketed it. I post here and write here for myself, so I really don't mind even if not a single person reads it. But if you do somehow stumble upon it, do say hi.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

I never wanted my blog to turn into this

My blog has no readers, I get it. But i started it as a project for myself, just to keep myself occupied because i had too much time on my hands and nothing to do with it. I had no plans for it. But i did know one thing. It is not going to be a place for me to rant. Unfortunately that is what it has turned into. At least for the time being. So here goes another rant:

what do you do when you got to make a decision right then and now?

i have to tell my decision by tomorrow evening

my choices

1. going back home, living with mom, no transportation to go anywhere so basically my life will be hex and watching videos on the internet and just with too much time on my hands and nothing to do, financially secure in the sense that i will be a freeloader on the parents. they have no issues with me being a freeloader on them. in fact, they want it and make sure my transportation can't be figured out so that i can't do job, the only people i will ever see or interact with is people the parents know, there will never be anybody for me outside the internet

2. the possibility, i repeat, possibility, not any guarantee, of a degree depending on financing, using mom's words "you and i will be going our separate ways", financially in a mess because i will need to figure out financing on my own, ability to step foot out of the house on my own, ability to use public transportation (no access to a vehicle), possibility of being in paid employment depending if i can find a job or not

Ethically i guess the first one is what i am supposed to go with... but my heart leans to the second one. Because what i have always wanted in life is to live in quiet peace and dignity and have my own income to support myself. having my own income was something that was always important to me. and i had so many hopes and dreams for myself. i thought i could have a job, my own income, some mental stability and my mental state being in a much better place than it is, have some social interaction other than with people the parents know, eventually getting a pet cat, because seriously, animals are better company than people. i'd love to come home and be greated by a pet cat than any person. it should be an easy decision but it is not. i don't know what to do. overnight is not time enough to make such a decision.

Friday, September 18, 2015

Stop freaking agitating me. Stop bringing up topics that agitate me that make me go into a position where Voldermort is as quiet and timid as a lamb compared to me. As if i haven't been sick enough all day long. I guess it is all my fault, i thought that there is life beyond watching videos on the internet, visiting your friends and relatives that i have zero attachment to, couldn't care if they are dead or alive. Of course i am just going to sit there quietly with your friends.. what do you expect me to say when all you will do is discuss places i've never been to, common memories of yours that i am not a part of, people i have never met and so on and so forth. Of course i am just going to shut up and be quiet. I dont want to live here, i don't want to live there, i don't want to live anywhere. I just want to die. Whenever death comes,  I will welcome it like an old friend. Having my own income was important to me so I thought that i could get a degree and a job and earn an income/have a job/have something to do with myself other than use the internet. You say that when i experience the pain of lonliness then i will know? I say i want to read to avoid my brain from rotting when infact i couldn't care less if my brain just rotted into sand which came out of my ears and fell to the ground and got swept away. I read because it takes me to an alternate universe and I feel like the characters are my friends. I go on chat rooms in Paltalk and put up with obscene conversations and conversations that i'd rather not be a part of because when i am in the chat room talking, those people feel like my friends. i like to binge watch tv shows because when i am watching them i feel like i am transported to an alternate universe where i feel like the people i am seeing on the screen are my friends. i don't rest even though i am pretty sick today and really need the rest, because i feel lonely when i am away from my computer. when i am on my computer i feel like i am with my friends, even if i am just lurking on facebook or playing tetris or whatever new game i am into. oh i know the pain of lonliness and what it is to be alone extremely well. i never had friends ever in my life. i was 14 years old when i first step foot in a yahoo chat room. hell, my first experince with chatting was on yahoo games' bingo. they had a chat feature. i stopped going there for the bingo and started ging there because chatting was taking place. again, as usual, those people started to feel like my friends. some person there told me about yahoo messenger and that is how i found out that it existed and did some exploration and found my very first chat room, extraterrestrial life 1. to me, those people were my friends. even though now i couldn't recall the names of most of them, they were my friends. you don't know what i do to ease myself away from the pain of loneliness. i do everything i can to avoid the outside world as much as i can so that i don't feel alone. yeah when i am feeling sick for a second i think, it would be nice if someone were here to take care of me, but then i realize, "you are alone, nobody is going to take care of you, you need t suck it up and take care of yourself". you say that i can't keep a roommate because they have boyfriends and are out all night long. jeez, its their personal lives, none of my business. who cares if they have a boyfriend that they hang out with? i know that i am going to suffer in the future with no degree and no job, because honestly, mother, chances are, i will outlive you. and outlive dad. and when i bury the second one of you, i will be stuck with nowhere to go. no friends, no colleagues, no family, no job, no activity, nothing, to fall back on. it will just be me and the four walls of my room. or maybe not even that if you are true to your threat of taking away my ownership of the home. maybe it will just be me and the street. in a western country you can manage, there are shelters, a welfare system that no matter how broken, helps you get on your two feet, 24 hour cafes where you can sit the night away if need be, services, help. nothing of the sort exists on the asian side. they do have shelters for battered and abused women. i guess you can say that i have been abused by my parents, but they don't want parental abuse victims, they want relationship/significant other/partner abuse victims.  I spoke my bloody mind when it came to everything. i had to. the inconvenient truth. she didn't want to hear it, but she heard it. i guess. i don't know. to the question of what do i do with myself all day long you have no answer. i don't have the patience to be a school teacher. i'd love to teach, teaching is my dream profession. but to adults. i'd love to be a professor or lecturer or something. but to the question of what do i do with myself all day long.. you have no answer. you say.. you just go sit in the library all day long. that is it. you don't do anything else. you think the university and the library will be there for life? actually you do have an answer with what i should do with myself there.. find a boy. just like you said that i was busy applying to university hence no job you will say, "you are in the process of finding a man who will be willing to marry you" hence no job. i am not this job obsessed fanatic. the issue is, you need something to do with yourself. outside of the home. i have always thought, believed, felt and experienced, that for your mental well being, it is very important to be able to wake up in the morning, eat your breakfast, get dressed, and then have somewhere to go. it can be a job, a coffee shop, a shopping plaza, a library, a park, anything. just that feeling and ability can be a life saver for your mental health. you say that you picked dropped me from school and now its my time to pay back. well people live with their parents and look after them and don't shut them in the home. i think the only reason why i survived my previous stint in the cage is because i had a future to look up to, i could see the light at the end of the tunnel, i knew that there was an escape route in sight. now the escape route is gone, the light bulb that had lit the end of the tunnel has gone, everything is finished. i will literally be spending every single day on the internet infront of my computer just waiting for death to arrive. i said that the only job thing you ever found me was some bloody internship which too is in the summer months so you will say you can't do it becase we have to be gone in the summer, well to that you said that they said to email your resume and then we will short list candidates and then contact and interview short listed candidates and they are always ten interviews before anyone is hired so there really is no chance of you being hired. its not my fault i didn't get married at 22, 23 that you are complaining about that to me. all i ever wanted was the ability to stand on my two feet. make my own place in the world. the academic world always appealed to me. what initially attracted me to the academic world was that i considered it to be the one place where you are just judged on the basis of your appearance, but your innate ability and talent. i have been called out on my apparence so much and how i will amount to nothing because of my horrid looks, i thought that academia is the one place that i could bypass it. when i was in school, i never had friends, instead i was bullied actually. i couldn't use the toilet because people would bend under the cubicle to peak. up until grade 4 we had to wear knee length skirts as part of the uniform, the students would lift up my skit and announce the colour of my underwear to everyone. in hindsight, i should have tried to be friends with my male classmates, they were nice and maybe i wouldn';t have been such an attractive target if i was in a group or it was known that they are certain people that i hung out with. people wouldnot want to touch stuff i had touched because they thought it was diseased or something and sometimes people would hold under the fan thinkgs i have touched. that has stuck with me until today. i still feel like i contaminate everything. even on Monday when the professor borrowed my laptop because she had to show some powerpoints and the computer in the room wasn't working, mid way through the lecture i caught myself thinking, "my laptop is dirty and she is touching it" anyways,when i was in school, my teachers liked me. i don't think there was a single teacher who didn't like me. or had issues with me. if they were, i can't recall them at the moment. and that is what made me want to go to school and made my school life tolerable. i was part of the furniture in the library. i spent all my free time in the library. i only left the library to eat lunch becaue food was a big no in the library and that was it. i read and read in the library. to the extent that a second grade teacher asked me where my friends are because she always sees me on my own. come university, i made some friends but it just fizzled out. not my fault they don't want to be friends with me anymore. they thought of me as loser and backward and all because i didn't have guys interested in me when they did. not my fault i didn't have that going for me, not that i wanted it anyways. i was fine the way i was. but now a days, i have decided i don't want friends so that i don't have to give anyone any explainations or have to deal with any invitations. i never said i'd get hired for a job but i had the hope for being hired for one. i can't be that bad an employee that nobody wants to hire me. but when i pointed out about how i kept telling you to take me to the head office of the chain of schools and you refused, you didn't want to hear it. because you knew it was the truth. you really didn't want me doing anything. you just wanted me sitting at home doing nothing. and that is the future you want for me. some may have others that they can turn to and can rely on. i do not. for me, who will be stuck on her own, it is important for me to have a source of income and have employment. maybe that way i will have some colleagues. maybe they will give a shit when i get sick. it is a possibility. maybe when i die someday, at least someone will be around to remember that she worked with us and is no more. maybe someone will attend my funeral in this way. you say its my fault for not being married by now because i sit quietly. well not that i have any wish to get married under the circumstances, why don't you mention my years long engagement that i didn't know about and my father didn't know about either until after it ended. where they kept dragging it on thinking that their son will finally agree to me eventually but he never did agree. that that is the reason why i am overage and unmarried. again, i have no wish to be married under the cirumstances but i am just saying. i may be stupid, i may lack intelligence, or the ability to do a damn shitty thing, or be unemployable, or unhirable, or anything else, but this is me talking. my mistake was thinking that there is a future outside the cage. my mistake was that i can do more than being in a cage. actually the problem lies within your belief system. belief system about girls. to you i am just a girl. and daughters can't be left on their own. and that i am not a man and shouldn't think like i am one. and that i think i am strong but i am just strong in words but at the end of the day i am just a girl. if i ever have a daughter i as hell won't be telling her that she is just a girl. and that your sole focus should be getting married. i know marriage won't happen to me ever because i am not "fast" like other girls with the ability to attract people. i have put my foot down on no Skype, i don't want to do the Skype with random strangers who are going to be all judgey to see if i am wife material or not. i spoke my mind today in today's argument. i said that i will quit my degree and sit at home and do nothing and that i don't want anything and that i do not wish to achieve a damn thing. the only job i can possibly get is school teacher anyways, something i have no patience for. people in my field are mainly hired in aid agencies and in teaching/research in the university. but aid agencies require rural areas which you will never allow. anyways its done, its over. i hate it when people ask me why i am not working and when i am making a lame excuse about applying to many jobs and just not being hired (mainly to cover my own behind and trying not to look useless as a fuck) you tell how i never really bothered to look for a job. seriously, why do you have to go out of your way to point that out? and maybe as we are revealing all, you can tell why that is the case? you would exert your power by saying "i am not going to take you". all you do is exert your power. and try to show how you got all power over me. so that you got someone to visit your relatives whom i don't give a shit about and the feeling is mutual, and your friends and your shopping. i can't dare say that i want to go anywhere or do anything. i remember my neighbour would always be complaining about how her kids would be ordering food from outside all the time and didn't want to eat home cooked meals and saying to my mother how she is lucky that i eat whatever is at home and is not constantly eating out. and i thought to myself, "as if i have the freedom to order food from somewhere". my horrible flu of today which is in control only because of a dose of medicine makes you value basic freedoms. i would be pleading you for my medicine and it would be up to your discretion if i am to get my flu medicine or not. most likely i wont because you don't believe in medicine for the flu and think that the flu should just run its course and medicine is ineffective after the beginning and causes kidney failure. its my freaking flu and my freaking kidney, yet i have to suffer because of your beliefs. you say, hardly any girls do jobs. i don't know why i even bother to do anything or any work or any effort or anything when my future is just watching videos over the internet. its hard when you have nothing to do with yourself 

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Online versus Offline World

This sums up why I stick to the online world and refuse to have offline friends in any capacity

Friday, May 23, 2014

Godzilla is Fat

So in Japan this new thing is going on where they are now calling Godzilla as fat. So anyways, I saw something on 9gag the other day which really shows how calling anyone fat shakes their core. Couldn't have been more accurate.