Wednesday, September 30, 2015

I never wanted my blog to turn into this

My blog has no readers, I get it. But i started it as a project for myself, just to keep myself occupied because i had too much time on my hands and nothing to do with it. I had no plans for it. But i did know one thing. It is not going to be a place for me to rant. Unfortunately that is what it has turned into. At least for the time being. So here goes another rant:

what do you do when you got to make a decision right then and now?

i have to tell my decision by tomorrow evening

my choices

1. going back home, living with mom, no transportation to go anywhere so basically my life will be hex and watching videos on the internet and just with too much time on my hands and nothing to do, financially secure in the sense that i will be a freeloader on the parents. they have no issues with me being a freeloader on them. in fact, they want it and make sure my transportation can't be figured out so that i can't do job, the only people i will ever see or interact with is people the parents know, there will never be anybody for me outside the internet

2. the possibility, i repeat, possibility, not any guarantee, of a degree depending on financing, using mom's words "you and i will be going our separate ways", financially in a mess because i will need to figure out financing on my own, ability to step foot out of the house on my own, ability to use public transportation (no access to a vehicle), possibility of being in paid employment depending if i can find a job or not

Ethically i guess the first one is what i am supposed to go with... but my heart leans to the second one. Because what i have always wanted in life is to live in quiet peace and dignity and have my own income to support myself. having my own income was something that was always important to me. and i had so many hopes and dreams for myself. i thought i could have a job, my own income, some mental stability and my mental state being in a much better place than it is, have some social interaction other than with people the parents know, eventually getting a pet cat, because seriously, animals are better company than people. i'd love to come home and be greated by a pet cat than any person. it should be an easy decision but it is not. i don't know what to do. overnight is not time enough to make such a decision.

Friday, September 18, 2015

Stop freaking agitating me. Stop bringing up topics that agitate me that make me go into a position where Voldermort is as quiet and timid as a lamb compared to me. As if i haven't been sick enough all day long. I guess it is all my fault, i thought that there is life beyond watching videos on the internet, visiting your friends and relatives that i have zero attachment to, couldn't care if they are dead or alive. Of course i am just going to sit there quietly with your friends.. what do you expect me to say when all you will do is discuss places i've never been to, common memories of yours that i am not a part of, people i have never met and so on and so forth. Of course i am just going to shut up and be quiet. I dont want to live here, i don't want to live there, i don't want to live anywhere. I just want to die. Whenever death comes,  I will welcome it like an old friend. Having my own income was important to me so I thought that i could get a degree and a job and earn an income/have a job/have something to do with myself other than use the internet. You say that when i experience the pain of lonliness then i will know? I say i want to read to avoid my brain from rotting when infact i couldn't care less if my brain just rotted into sand which came out of my ears and fell to the ground and got swept away. I read because it takes me to an alternate universe and I feel like the characters are my friends. I go on chat rooms in Paltalk and put up with obscene conversations and conversations that i'd rather not be a part of because when i am in the chat room talking, those people feel like my friends. i like to binge watch tv shows because when i am watching them i feel like i am transported to an alternate universe where i feel like the people i am seeing on the screen are my friends. i don't rest even though i am pretty sick today and really need the rest, because i feel lonely when i am away from my computer. when i am on my computer i feel like i am with my friends, even if i am just lurking on facebook or playing tetris or whatever new game i am into. oh i know the pain of lonliness and what it is to be alone extremely well. i never had friends ever in my life. i was 14 years old when i first step foot in a yahoo chat room. hell, my first experince with chatting was on yahoo games' bingo. they had a chat feature. i stopped going there for the bingo and started ging there because chatting was taking place. again, as usual, those people started to feel like my friends. some person there told me about yahoo messenger and that is how i found out that it existed and did some exploration and found my very first chat room, extraterrestrial life 1. to me, those people were my friends. even though now i couldn't recall the names of most of them, they were my friends. you don't know what i do to ease myself away from the pain of loneliness. i do everything i can to avoid the outside world as much as i can so that i don't feel alone. yeah when i am feeling sick for a second i think, it would be nice if someone were here to take care of me, but then i realize, "you are alone, nobody is going to take care of you, you need t suck it up and take care of yourself". you say that i can't keep a roommate because they have boyfriends and are out all night long. jeez, its their personal lives, none of my business. who cares if they have a boyfriend that they hang out with? i know that i am going to suffer in the future with no degree and no job, because honestly, mother, chances are, i will outlive you. and outlive dad. and when i bury the second one of you, i will be stuck with nowhere to go. no friends, no colleagues, no family, no job, no activity, nothing, to fall back on. it will just be me and the four walls of my room. or maybe not even that if you are true to your threat of taking away my ownership of the home. maybe it will just be me and the street. in a western country you can manage, there are shelters, a welfare system that no matter how broken, helps you get on your two feet, 24 hour cafes where you can sit the night away if need be, services, help. nothing of the sort exists on the asian side. they do have shelters for battered and abused women. i guess you can say that i have been abused by my parents, but they don't want parental abuse victims, they want relationship/significant other/partner abuse victims.  I spoke my bloody mind when it came to everything. i had to. the inconvenient truth. she didn't want to hear it, but she heard it. i guess. i don't know. to the question of what do i do with myself all day long you have no answer. i don't have the patience to be a school teacher. i'd love to teach, teaching is my dream profession. but to adults. i'd love to be a professor or lecturer or something. but to the question of what do i do with myself all day long.. you have no answer. you say.. you just go sit in the library all day long. that is it. you don't do anything else. you think the university and the library will be there for life? actually you do have an answer with what i should do with myself there.. find a boy. just like you said that i was busy applying to university hence no job you will say, "you are in the process of finding a man who will be willing to marry you" hence no job. i am not this job obsessed fanatic. the issue is, you need something to do with yourself. outside of the home. i have always thought, believed, felt and experienced, that for your mental well being, it is very important to be able to wake up in the morning, eat your breakfast, get dressed, and then have somewhere to go. it can be a job, a coffee shop, a shopping plaza, a library, a park, anything. just that feeling and ability can be a life saver for your mental health. you say that you picked dropped me from school and now its my time to pay back. well people live with their parents and look after them and don't shut them in the home. i think the only reason why i survived my previous stint in the cage is because i had a future to look up to, i could see the light at the end of the tunnel, i knew that there was an escape route in sight. now the escape route is gone, the light bulb that had lit the end of the tunnel has gone, everything is finished. i will literally be spending every single day on the internet infront of my computer just waiting for death to arrive. i said that the only job thing you ever found me was some bloody internship which too is in the summer months so you will say you can't do it becase we have to be gone in the summer, well to that you said that they said to email your resume and then we will short list candidates and then contact and interview short listed candidates and they are always ten interviews before anyone is hired so there really is no chance of you being hired. its not my fault i didn't get married at 22, 23 that you are complaining about that to me. all i ever wanted was the ability to stand on my two feet. make my own place in the world. the academic world always appealed to me. what initially attracted me to the academic world was that i considered it to be the one place where you are just judged on the basis of your appearance, but your innate ability and talent. i have been called out on my apparence so much and how i will amount to nothing because of my horrid looks, i thought that academia is the one place that i could bypass it. when i was in school, i never had friends, instead i was bullied actually. i couldn't use the toilet because people would bend under the cubicle to peak. up until grade 4 we had to wear knee length skirts as part of the uniform, the students would lift up my skit and announce the colour of my underwear to everyone. in hindsight, i should have tried to be friends with my male classmates, they were nice and maybe i wouldn';t have been such an attractive target if i was in a group or it was known that they are certain people that i hung out with. people wouldnot want to touch stuff i had touched because they thought it was diseased or something and sometimes people would hold under the fan thinkgs i have touched. that has stuck with me until today. i still feel like i contaminate everything. even on Monday when the professor borrowed my laptop because she had to show some powerpoints and the computer in the room wasn't working, mid way through the lecture i caught myself thinking, "my laptop is dirty and she is touching it" anyways,when i was in school, my teachers liked me. i don't think there was a single teacher who didn't like me. or had issues with me. if they were, i can't recall them at the moment. and that is what made me want to go to school and made my school life tolerable. i was part of the furniture in the library. i spent all my free time in the library. i only left the library to eat lunch becaue food was a big no in the library and that was it. i read and read in the library. to the extent that a second grade teacher asked me where my friends are because she always sees me on my own. come university, i made some friends but it just fizzled out. not my fault they don't want to be friends with me anymore. they thought of me as loser and backward and all because i didn't have guys interested in me when they did. not my fault i didn't have that going for me, not that i wanted it anyways. i was fine the way i was. but now a days, i have decided i don't want friends so that i don't have to give anyone any explainations or have to deal with any invitations. i never said i'd get hired for a job but i had the hope for being hired for one. i can't be that bad an employee that nobody wants to hire me. but when i pointed out about how i kept telling you to take me to the head office of the chain of schools and you refused, you didn't want to hear it. because you knew it was the truth. you really didn't want me doing anything. you just wanted me sitting at home doing nothing. and that is the future you want for me. some may have others that they can turn to and can rely on. i do not. for me, who will be stuck on her own, it is important for me to have a source of income and have employment. maybe that way i will have some colleagues. maybe they will give a shit when i get sick. it is a possibility. maybe when i die someday, at least someone will be around to remember that she worked with us and is no more. maybe someone will attend my funeral in this way. you say its my fault for not being married by now because i sit quietly. well not that i have any wish to get married under the circumstances, why don't you mention my years long engagement that i didn't know about and my father didn't know about either until after it ended. where they kept dragging it on thinking that their son will finally agree to me eventually but he never did agree. that that is the reason why i am overage and unmarried. again, i have no wish to be married under the cirumstances but i am just saying. i may be stupid, i may lack intelligence, or the ability to do a damn shitty thing, or be unemployable, or unhirable, or anything else, but this is me talking. my mistake was thinking that there is a future outside the cage. my mistake was that i can do more than being in a cage. actually the problem lies within your belief system. belief system about girls. to you i am just a girl. and daughters can't be left on their own. and that i am not a man and shouldn't think like i am one. and that i think i am strong but i am just strong in words but at the end of the day i am just a girl. if i ever have a daughter i as hell won't be telling her that she is just a girl. and that your sole focus should be getting married. i know marriage won't happen to me ever because i am not "fast" like other girls with the ability to attract people. i have put my foot down on no Skype, i don't want to do the Skype with random strangers who are going to be all judgey to see if i am wife material or not. i spoke my mind today in today's argument. i said that i will quit my degree and sit at home and do nothing and that i don't want anything and that i do not wish to achieve a damn thing. the only job i can possibly get is school teacher anyways, something i have no patience for. people in my field are mainly hired in aid agencies and in teaching/research in the university. but aid agencies require rural areas which you will never allow. anyways its done, its over. i hate it when people ask me why i am not working and when i am making a lame excuse about applying to many jobs and just not being hired (mainly to cover my own behind and trying not to look useless as a fuck) you tell how i never really bothered to look for a job. seriously, why do you have to go out of your way to point that out? and maybe as we are revealing all, you can tell why that is the case? you would exert your power by saying "i am not going to take you". all you do is exert your power. and try to show how you got all power over me. so that you got someone to visit your relatives whom i don't give a shit about and the feeling is mutual, and your friends and your shopping. i can't dare say that i want to go anywhere or do anything. i remember my neighbour would always be complaining about how her kids would be ordering food from outside all the time and didn't want to eat home cooked meals and saying to my mother how she is lucky that i eat whatever is at home and is not constantly eating out. and i thought to myself, "as if i have the freedom to order food from somewhere". my horrible flu of today which is in control only because of a dose of medicine makes you value basic freedoms. i would be pleading you for my medicine and it would be up to your discretion if i am to get my flu medicine or not. most likely i wont because you don't believe in medicine for the flu and think that the flu should just run its course and medicine is ineffective after the beginning and causes kidney failure. its my freaking flu and my freaking kidney, yet i have to suffer because of your beliefs. you say, hardly any girls do jobs. i don't know why i even bother to do anything or any work or any effort or anything when my future is just watching videos over the internet. its hard when you have nothing to do with yourself