Its weird, really. Really weird. I feel the pain of being alone, I feel the pain of not having a support system or nobody to pick up the phone and talk to when things go bad. I made it to year 31. Year 31. Yay me. I keep struggling. I keep fighting for my existence. I will dream of love and kisses and cuddles and affection and happiness because I am a child of God as much as all other children of God. I am a very damaged messed up person, psychologically mentally damaged. I have never formed a bond or a connection with anyone and probably never will. I dont enjoy socializing one bit. I dont enjoy being around people one bit. Being an academic suits me, its something that I enjoy and it allows me to sit behind my computer screen and read and type away in order to give myself the outlet that I need. I do not belong in this world, I do not know the rules of the game, how to play the game, the objectives of the game or the strategies of the game. And my opponents are fully knowledge and fully versed. I am mentally shattered. My work and writing out here are my only distractions and my only outlets. I am a girl full of emotions, too many emotions for my own good, on top of which I have a big heart which is a bit too big and a bit too generous. But I really do want to be left alone. I do everything on my own. While I may imagine or daydream of having someone with me, fact of the matter is, I do not expect it to happen. I cant make it happen when I have to deal with her. I really cannot. Having a support system is what I really would like, but it wont happen. My friendships are temporary and transient, and tend to fizzle out when I bring up my stuff. Nobody has the time or energy to handle the abused talk about the abuser. Nobody does. In the so-called friendship that I am in too, I am a third wheeler. I will never be a fully fledged member.