Friday, November 13, 2015

My Ideas are My Ideas

My ideas are my ideas. Its a sentence that I have been saying to myself for eons. We can't control how our brains work or how our minds work. We can't choose our thinking process, how we view certain things, what we dream about, what we hope for, any of that stuff. It is just there, it is in our minds. I have always found myself to be full of "wrong ideas". Wrong in the sense that they are not the way i should be thinking or the idea that i should be having.

I always considered myself a dare to dream kind of person. Always. For me, earning my own income has always been an important thing. And having a job has been important for me too. The reason is that I have always believed, and continue to believe till this day, that for a person's mental state, it is important to be able to wake up in the morning, get dressed and then have somewhere to go. And a job can give you that. And you can see people there and have something to do. Active people are always in better health. And you also earn the income and being financially independent is something that has been important to me.  And i thought i could do such. Wrong. People like me don't do jobs, we sit at home and do nothing. Everything that I thought that I could do, from doing a job to getting a doctorate, to driving a car to have my own standing i am being told its wrong.

Today i get examples of people from the news.. about a man who got attacked after dropping off his girfriend at the bus stop and the girl who was raped at a bus stop at broad daylight..

Shit like this happens all around us, and all we can do is protect ourselves the best we can, but we can't lock ourselves indoors because this happens. using this is equivalent to saying that you should stop eating because food has the potential to cause food poisoning and so many people have experienced food poisoning after eating food. i told you, i simply can't cope with your crap (not what i said, but this was the point). And that i am just a girl and i need to remember that i am just a girl and not with the bravery of ten men. And not only am i just a girl i am an unmarried girl so i have a reputation and respect to maintain. Sheesh. What? You want me to somehow "prove" my "purity" to my future husband? Well every single doctor in the whole universe will tell you that it is neither biologically or medically possible to give an answer on that either way. What? People will think i am hanging out with men and sleeping around potentially? I am doing neither but so what if i was? Doesn't make me less "respectful". And lets check out your double standard.. remember the speech you gave me on how it is ok to marry a divorced man.. personally i have no issues with a divorcee.. but i said no divorcee just to contradict you.. and you went on about how it doesn;t matter if someone is divorced as long as there are no kids because kids complicate stuff and people always have affair with one person and marry another so divorcee is the same thing.. you were even considering arranging my marriage with a twice divorcee, like approaching them and see where it goes, your friend's neighbor, both times apparently the girls left him and you went on about so what if he made a mistake in selecting wives... well, lets see the double standard here.. here you remind me that i am an unmarried girl who has to protect m reputation and respect.. aka my "purity" and you want me to marry someone who has obviously "been with" two people minimum as he has been married twice

Look, i just do not agree with any of this thing about unmarried girls. Or that i have to remember that I am still just a girl and not a man and that I consider myself to have the bravery of ten men. How can we generalize bravery to gender? Not all men are brave, just like not all women are timid weak creatures. I am a pretty weak person, yet i put forward a persona of bravery and strength because it is something that you have to do in order to survive. This is another wrong idea of mine, i guess. I suppose another one is that i think that i can manage myself. And another one is that i think some employer somewhere will be willing to hire me. I am just thinking that if everyone else can have a job then i can get one too. 

Everything that is going on has made me physically sick. The stress is just too much. My stomach is pretty bad. I think I have lost weight, I am eating less than i used to but not less enough to cause weight loss. I am getting night mares. I will feel tired and sleepy but sleep just wont come to me. On my period, nothing is there, very little is coming. My neck and back issues are there. Throat hurts but this could just be a consequence of the bad stomach. Knees hurt. Lack of concentration. Basically I have made myself physically sick over everything that is going on.

My ideas will always be my ideas. My thoughts will always be my thoughts. My dreams will always be my dreams. My imagination will always be my imagination. Regardless of whether they are correct or incorrect, they will always be mine. When I am upset or things are going bad, I imagine myself as a princess in my thoughts because it makes me feel happy. If we try to be correct and accurate all the time, even in our thoughts, it is difficult. Long time back, I was having a conversation with someone I used to speak to in the internet, about a totally unrelated thing, and he said, "It is one of the few things that we can enjoy without going against the world". That line has always stuck with me even though I have no clue if that person is even still alive now. That is how I view my incorrect ideas, my stupid impractical dreams, my crazy wild imagination and my thoughts that I must not have. Stuff for me to enjoy. Stuff to be my painkiller. Stuff to make everything okay. And my blog has turned into a safe place in this context too. I have no readers for this damn blog because I never marketed it. I post here and write here for myself, so I really don't mind even if not a single person reads it. But if you do somehow stumble upon it, do say hi.