Monday, September 12, 2016

Mom.. really? A person should learn never giving up on a damn thing from you. You go out of town for a few days to attend a funeral out of all things and what do you do there? The lady you are staying with.. you get her to call me to convince me to move in back with you and that i should drop out and focus on getting married? well, woman, you got a close to 40 year old daughter who is unmarried, first get the shit out of her married, then talk to others that their daughters are not married. your writing her off as  being too old now and not being any pakistanis around in your city when she was younger is no excuse for your behaviour. get that close to 40 year old daughter of yours married first. i am one hundred percent sure you and my mother decided jointly to have you call me and speak mother's dialogues. you used the same dialogues with the same vocabulary.  well woman with close to 40 year old unmarried daughter, you dont know the inside story. you only know my mother's version of events which is rebeliious kid who wont listen to her. you dont know what really is going on. you dont know that living with my mother now has turned into a death sentense. or how my back and neck hurts and i got no hair and my mind is constantly in a state of messed up just dealing with my mother. or how i went to another country to get away from my mother and she decided to follow me here and wont let me breathe in another country too. you dont know that since as long as i can remember, literally, my mother has been threatening to disown me and tell me how she will vanish without a trace and when i came here how she said she will never keep contact with me yet since the day i arrived all that she has done is beg and beg and beg for me to come back and move in back with her. my mother tried false promises, i saw through them, now she is using her usual disown threat. well if you wanted your disown threat to mean something, you should not have used it so liberally since before i was a teenager. my mother says to me "parents can do anything to the child, they can say anything to the child and even hit the child and the child must remain silent no matter what the parents do to them" well i guess you certainly think that, getting me engaged twice without my knowledge. third attempt failed. so two successful attemps and a third failed attempt. and i am supposed to trust you? and excuse me if i am not obsessed with getting married. you call me the size of a room and the size of a house. i cry, you mock me. i said i am stressed, you say i give others stress, i have no stress on my own. you make me feel like the world's biggest monster. you follow me wherever i go. i try to get away from you, you turn up there. now you have gone to the extent of recruitig people i know to convince me to move in back with you. how dare you. like seriously, how dare you!!! your only anger is that "you dont listen to your parents". i am 28 years old, leave me alone now. you have made it clear that life would be so much better for you if i am not in the picture. how things will be better and more peaceful and relaxed and how you can eat whenever, sleep in until whenever, etc etc. yet you want me to move in back with you? i think it is just so that you can marry me and then show off to the world how you tried so hard and finally succeeded at pulling me out of uni, getting me to move in back with you and got married. even when it comes to my marraige, the focus is you. you want some man who will be financially dependant on us so that it can he him/myself/you living together as one big happy family because you think that financial dependance is the only route through which a man will agree to live with not only the wife's family but in the wife's home too. to put it in other terms, it is not just me getting married, it is the two of us and you look at things from where there is space for you in the relationship too. well if i ever go get married it will be a very crowded marraige as it will have three people in it, myself, my husband and you. keep trying, lady, keep keep trying. what you do makes me not want to have anything to do with you. but you dont take no for an answer. you turn up despite my being clear to you that you are not welcome here one bit. and the final part.. everything is a favour. like the other day, "i should not have given you good clothes to wear, good food to eat, put you in a good school if i had known that you were going to do this later on to us" and how you did not have to feed/clothe me. feeding and clothing me is a favour, apparently. its an old habit of yours. labelling everything as a favour. Giving me a ride to school is a favour. Feeding/clothing your kid is a favour. And favours have to be repaid too. How do you repay someone for feeding/clothing/educating/giving you rides? Which, mind you, is your RESPONSIBILITY. You do no damn favour to your kid if you feed them or clothe them or educate them. Plus money is not everything. Yeah you were financially good to me. I dont deny that for a day. But emotionally, you were rotten to me. You emotionally abused me and manipulated me emotionally since day one. Tried to get me married twice without my knowledge. Two attempts went up to engagement, long lasting engagements mind you. First time the engagement failed as he backed out, he was rotten to me anyways, emotionally abusive, fault finding.. my favourite line from him "there is no beauty so what am i supposed to survive on". And the mood swings when he saw anyone good looking freaked me out.. i honestly and seriously thought, what if one day we are married and go to a grocery store and some good looking girl just happens to be in the grocery store minding her own beeswax purchasing groceries for herself, i will get hell for it. And the second one, we learnt that he is marrying someone else and got sent his wedding card. Third attempt didnt even reach the engagement stage so nothing to say here. All three times you thought the men would be willing to move in with us instead of myself moving in with my husband. You can say to forget the past and move on but the past hurts like daggers being twisted in my back every single day. And you know what you said to me a few days ago? "If I stop saying that you cut your face ["cut my face" is terminology to refer to my acne]  and that i will disown you, then will you leave this place?" i am trying my best to keep my silence because i want peace and i dont want to keep arguing and when i talk back i just upset myself even more so to keep my sanity i am trying my best to control my tongue

Friday, August 05, 2016

Still Alive, Still Here, Still Posting

Yes I know I have been MIA (Missing in Action) since like back in November. Yes I know that I had no readers then and I have no readers now either. Yes I know I am only writing for myself. Yet I am taking on the 365 day blogging challenge where we write one post every single day for the next 365 days. Starting it from tomorrow. Hope I stick to it!